Ambitiously Alone

Another Weekend, Another Wedding

I’m starting to believe there’s a conspiracy involving wedding bouquets and single women. Every wedding I attend, someone inevitably suggests I participate in the bouquet toss. Ma’am, I’ve been single for 30 years. If catching a bundle of flowers was going to fix this situation, I would’ve opened a florist shop by now.

The number of invitations I receive for baby showers, bridal showers, engagement parties, and weddings seems never-ending. Each year I hope that I can make it through without having to attend at least one of these.

I’ve noticed that whenever I open an invitation that includes a plus one, I physically cringe. The thought of trying to get a date or someone to commit to going to those events just seems like a huge task.

There was one wedding that I was invited to, had a date and at the last minute they cancelled on me. So I just went by myself. But lo and behold he showed up to the wedding with someone else. When I saw him walk in with another date, I definitely hid and avoided him the rest of the night. After that, I just decided that it was pointless to try and get a date.

Not to mention the fact that once you are at the actual wedding all in your feels that you are one of the only people not with someone. Once I notice that I try to stay as long as I can but then the loneliness creeps in.

The only way that I stay after catching those unwanted feelings, is if there is a really good DJ with an amazing playlist. Then you would have to remove me from the dance floor, especially if it’s the booty-shaking music.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love me a wedding. To see the happiness on my friend’s face and the love they are experiencing. The older I get it I feel that it is just a reminder that I am single.

When I see someone else has gotten engaged whether they are in their second marriage or someone way younger than me, I internally feel a little punch to the heart. Then I remind myself that if I do get invited then I get to get a cute new outfit.

Apparently, I’m Everyone’s Favorite Single Friend

Being the odd man out or the 5th wheel has become part of my identity at this point in my life. While some of my friends aren’t technically married, I know they are with the person that they will spend the rest of their lives with.

One of the biggest struggles of being everyone’s single friend is that when the group starts planning a trip, nobody even bothers asking whether I’m bringing someone anymore.  I live for the day I get to announce that I’m bringing someone along. Honestly, I think my friends might need medical attention when that happens.

Another thing that is slightly annoying is that everyone just always assumes that I am available because I am single. Like, what if I did have a date or had plans with a guy how would they even handle that.

I’ve been voluntold to do things more times than I can count, apparently because being single means my calendar is always wide open. Maybe, just maybe, I had a hot date with my couch and a good book but they didn’t ask me about that.

At times I kind of feel like I am living in this alternate universe where everyone in adulthood is experiencing adulthood one way and mine is the complete opposite. Did I miss the portal to get there or the memo about some magical steps I was supposed to take?

Sometimes I miss the days when making plans with my friends didn’t require coordinating husbands, kids, and seventeen different schedules. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my friends build their lives, but I do miss when getting together was as simple as saying, “Hey, let’s go.”

And while we’re talking about everyone having their person, can someone tell me at what age it becomes socially unacceptable to keep listing your parents as your emergency contacts? Because at 30 years old, I’m still putting my mom down like she’s my designated adult. At this rate, I’m going to be 45 years old filling out paperwork and hoping she’s available to answer the phone.

The Plus-One Situation Is Getting Personal

My absolute favorite development is that wedding invitations no longer say “Maizey Scarlett and Guest.” Oh no. They’ve graduated to “Maizey Scarlett and Mrs. Scarlett.” Yes, y’all. My mother is officially my designated plus one.  It’s slightly embarrassing that people now just assume that my mom is going to go with me like I am some toddler.

There have been times where I have coaxed a girlfriend to go as my plus one, but that is also starting to become non-existent. I would ask my guy friends but those are completely absent because they have all gotten  married.

Going to events alone can be super embarrassing, but it is also taxing because you have to answer everyone’s questions as to why you are there alone. I used to struggle with those questions, but now I mostly just mentally check out the second the interrogation begins.

And to anyone who thinks setting me up with someone because we’d be “perfect together” is a good idea, just know that I might not like you for a week or two afterward. Depending on how the date goes, of course.

I would rather go through the gauntlet of questions than go to an event with someone I barely know because it can be so awkward. I always like to have my exit plan if things aren’t going well or are just so unbearably boring that there is no way I could continue the date.

At this point getting a plus one apparently requires more effort than getting a college degree.

Let me be clear. I am not uncomfortable with going alone or people’s perception of me going alone. I am uncomfortable with the feeling that I have at the end of the night when I leave alone with no one with me. Weddings are magical until they’re over. Then you’re left with a reminder of what you don’t have.

The Questions Nobody Asked You to Ask

One of the most annoying questions that someone has asked me about my relationship status was more of a statement and also kind of an insult.

“Oh honey, bless your heart that you are still single. I’ll keep praying for you!”

This person did not even ask me my relationship status, but I guess it was fairly obvious that I was there alone with all of my other friends and their dates. After a while people just stop asking you if you are in a relationship, they stop trying to set up and they just start assuming that I am intentionally single.

Then there are the people who assume I’m single because I’m too picky. Listen, Linda. Wanting a man with a heartbeat, a functioning brain, and the ability to communicate does not mean I’m asking for the moon.

My mother has also informed me on multiple occasions that my independence might intimidate men. Well, Mom, if having my life somewhat together is intimidating, I’m not entirely sure what you want me to do about that. Sorry, but I’m not about to start acting helpless just to find a husband.

Then there is also the factor of other people trying to set me up with people. There have been some dates that weren’t all that bad, but then there were some dates that people wanted to set me up on that were completely incompatible with me.

All the stinking time I get questioned if I am actually trying hard enough to find someone to date. For those of you wondering, yes, I’m freaking trying. But I’m also not going to date just anybody with a heartbeat. And whoever came up with “there are plenty of fish in the sea” clearly hasn’t been fishing in my pond.

I love when people tell me to put myself out there like some kind of advertisement to make men interested in dating me. If you know me, that is a huge struggle because I am more reserved and introverted.

For all of you who have given me unsolicited dating advice over the years, know I have heard you but I will also make my own choices about who I want to date and when I want to date. I know that seems harsh but I don’t  like being forced to do things or dating someone. That is where that independence comes in and I want to choose who I will date.

I’m Happy for You. I Just Thought I’d Be There, Too.

I absolutely love my friends, but sometimes it’s hard watching everyone experience a phase of life I thought I’d be in by now.  And yes, I mean every single one of my friends are with the person that they are going to be with for life. So there are times and conversations that are had that I truly struggle to celebrate with them.

There is a type of guilt that I carry when my friends are celebrating their life milestones with their partners and conversing about the next phase of their lives. I want to be truly happy for them in those moments but at the same time there is also this pain in my heart that I feel because I haven’t gotten to experience that. Maybe there’s a little jealousy mixed in, but more than anything, I think it’s grief for the life I thought I’d have by now.

I don’t think there has ever been one single milestone that a particular person has celebrated that made me reflect on my own life. It’s more like the accumulation of different people reaching different milestones. This generally happens around the holidays, which just makes the holidays a tad bit more of a struggle to get through.

Of course there are times when I feel like I am way behind in life, like it is some big race that I am running and even though I am giving it my all I still can’t get a medal. I want to be happy for those who finish the race, those who meet new life milestones, but it just sometimes completely sucks to know you haven’t made it that far.

One of my biggest struggles is when my whole family gets together during the holidays. Everyone has their person. Their husband, their wife, their significant other. And then there’s me, hanging out with my dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love those little freeloaders, but sometimes the loneliness hits like a ton of bricks. And on the harder days, I can’t help wondering if this is what my holidays will always look like.

And then there’s me, hanging out with my dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love those little freeloaders, but sometimes the loneliness hits like a ton of bricks. The literal heartache that is felt and at times feeling that this might be what I will always experience.

And to my sweet nieces and nephews, I know y’all want me to find a boyfriend so you’ll have another person to play with. Trust me, I’m working on it. But apparently, finding a fun uncle isn’t quite as easy as ordering one off Amazon. One day, I hope you’ll have someone else to drag into all your shenanigans. Until then, you’re stuck with me.

As much as I joke about being single, it’s moments like these that remind me I’m not just waiting for a boyfriend. I’m hoping to build a family and share a life with someone someday.

I wish my married friends understood that dating at 30 isn’t always as simple as it was in our twenties. Finding someone who’s responsible, emotionally available, and genuinely ready for a relationship can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m just trying to be intentional about who I let into my life.

Table for One. And That’s Okay. Mostly.

Deadgum, that last section was a little deep. For my readers I just want y’all to understand that I’m still building a fulfilling life, even if it doesn’t look exactly like the life I expected.

I have learned a lot about relationships from my other friends. The highs, the lows and sometimes the really ugly parts. But I have also learned how to celebrate the really good parts with my friends. I’ve also learned that being selective isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And when I do meet the right person, I hope I’ll look back and know the wait was worth it.

There is also a positive side to going to events alone which is I am never late or can’t go to an event because my partner doesn’t want to. I get to choose how long I stay at the events or if I even want to go to that event.

To my fellow last-single-friends-standing, keep your heads up. You’re not behind just because your timeline looks different. And you don’t have to put your life on hold while hoping to meet someone worth sharing it with. You deserve to find that person who understands you and your needs. You deserve to be loved.

It is taking me some time but I am slowly learning that my timeline is going to be completely different from other people’s timelines. During the holidays this means that I get off of social media and try to focus on the here and now. Spend more time with my family and be more social with my friends.

Everyone else might be walking down the aisle, but I’m still walking my own path. Preferably in a cute pair of shoes.

Sincerely, your favorite unclaimed plus one.