I didn’t wake up on my 30th birthday horrified that I was single and a virgin. My life was going pretty well. That’s almost what makes the situation so funny. Now I try to embrace the facts that I am 30, chronically single, virgin, ambitious and why I finally decided to write about it.
I’ve gotten pretty good at building a life on my own. Career? Going somewhere. Independence? Nailed it. Love life? Currently experiencing technical difficulties. Ambitiously Alone is where I talk about the parts of being single at 30 that don’t fit neatly into an inspirational quote- the hilarious, awkward, lonely, empowering and occasionally unhinged parts.
I’m not here to teach you how to find a husband. Clearly, I’m unqualified. I’m just figuring it out too. Welcome to Ambitiously Alone.
This Wasn’t Exactly the Plan
I have to start off with this was definitely absolutely nowhere on my vision board as a child. Yet…here I am. Somewhere between building a career, becoming aggressively independent, and waiting for a meet-cute apparently written by someone who forgot to finish the script of life after I turned 30.
This wasn’t exactly the plan my younger self would have included already being married, possibly having a child and also being thriving in my career field. I had the general vision of graduating high school, going off to college, creating this amazing friend group, finding my person, graduating and getting married. But man that vision was a complete joke. Growing up I was a social butterfly. I was always hanging out with friends, making friends and doing dumb stuff. So, I figured that would continue on into college but instead I became the biggest hermit. My vision then changed to meeting a guy at school and somewhere along the way I think I might have just given up. And well… here I am still single, partially thriving and continuing to focus on my career.
So… how did we get here?
Thinking back to college I always wanted to chase perfection, but I always felt like it was just beyond the horizon. I have definitely prioritized my career and academics over having a social life since I left high school. Something in me changed from just cruising in high school to having a ridiculously high standard for myself in school and becoming financially independent. If I’m being honest, I just didn’t want to turn out like my brother who literally had everything handed to him and then more. I worked, went to school, got the good grades, and hung out with friends occasionally in college. This left me little to no time to think about adding someone that I would have to devote more of my limited time to. I also watched people I love go through some very hard relationships and did not like how much it tore them apart. There were several almost-relationships but I would end it because they were too needy or they thought I was too ambitious.
Maybe My Standards Are High. So What?
If I am being completely honest I have high standards, which I don’t think are outlandishly crazy, but I also don’t think I have met the right person. Trust me, I have known some girls who had a list of things they looked for in guys and by list I mean like 20 plus items of what they were looking for. But even those people have met their human and are making a life together. I would be lying if there weren’t times, more like months, that I ask the question, “Is it me?” or “Am I asking too much from a guy?” Then I have lovely humans like family members who make comments all the time about how I am too independent which is intimidating, I’m too picky, I have baggage or I don’t put myself out there enough but I’ll address that later on.
Yes, I’m Actually a Virgin
Yes you read the intro right, I AM A VIRGIN and I AM 30. I honestly used to cringe at saying that to others, but as I have gotten older I just like to think of myself as a unicorn. I love to drop jokes about it now. My favorite is when a doctor asks if I could be pregnant and I reply with , “Only if it is baby Jesus.” Most doctors just give me a weird look and then I have to tell them I am a virgin. Unfortunately that doesn’t get me out of any of the traumatizing pap smears. I love to answer everyone’s questions about just how “virgin” I am. I know that some people think that it maybe due to being uncomfortable with sex or intimacy, but I’m not. I’ve even had people assume that maybe I’m secretly not into men. Nope. That’s not it either. Once again, I will go into this subject more because if I tell you everything now why would you come back. (Hint, this is the subject of my next post).
Now for the Part That Isn’t Funny
Now for the truth. There are days when I am completely content with my life, but there are also days when the loneliness creeps in so bad that I literally ache in my heart. Sometimes it is amazing not having to worry about someone else’s schedule, what food they like, if they want to go somewhere or what temperature to keep my home at. Then there are days when I just want to come home from work and be wrapped up into the arms of my person, have food cooked for me and be able to call someone to debrief about my day other than my mom. Don’t get me wrong I love thinking about how much I have accomplished but there are days I would like to share those accomplishments with someone other than my dogs, sister or parents.
Welcome to the Crap Shoot
Sit back, relax and get you a drink because I am going to provide you with the lovely crap shoot of attempting to date in my thirties while still crushing career goals, independence, friendships, weddings, bad dates, loneliness, ambition, sex (maybe), societal expectations and maybe, just maybe, falling in love. Also if you didn’t figure this out already I am not a dating expert or marriage expert, so if that is what you are looking for just go ahead and swipe left.
So that’s where we are. Thirty. Ambitious. Single. Still a virgin. Career progressing. Love life buffering. And while I am waiting for a particular page to load, I figured I might as well write about it.
Boom. Ambitiously Alone.
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