Ambitiously Alone

Let’s get the elephant out of the room.

I’m 30.

And I am a virgin.

Yes. A VIRGIN virgin.

Apparently, this is shocking information because whenever someone finds out, there is approximately a three-second pause before the interrogation begins.

“Like…how much of a virgin are you?”

That question will never not make me laugh. You can’t exactly be halfway a virgin.

Then the other questions start being brought up. 

Do you just not like sex? 

Are you afraid of sex or men? 

Are you a born again virgin? 

When I get asked these questions I am slightly confused, but also slightly proud of myself. I can neither confirm nor deny if I like sex because… well… I have never had sex. I am not afraid of sex or of men, I just feel that I have always had standards set for myself. I mean Lord forbid that someone actually have standards these days and not be willing to crumble to the standards of others. Also, definitely not a born-again virgin. Just a virgin. A girl with standards who hasn’t met that person to connect on that level with. 

A common response that people have is “Shut your mouth” because I guess I give off the vibes of a girl who has experience, but I AM NOT. I can get crazy and act a fool, but I also don’t like to hoe around and find out. 

So, since everyone has questions, let’s just talk about it!

No, There Isn’t Just One Simple Reason

The big question that is on everyone’s mind, “Why are you still a virgin?”

Let me just say that this part is complicated! I want to say that I know the answer to this question by this point in my life, but I also feel like it has changed over the years. It could be my religious upbringing, not meeting the right person, fear that a boyfriend might want someone more experienced, graduate school/work, or dating options being “slim pickins.”

There wasn’t one big decision. Life just kept happening. 

I wasn’t sitting at 18 making a grand declaration that I’d still be a virgin at 30. My upbringing influenced me. My standards influenced me. Career and school happened. Relationships didn’t work out. I never met someone I felt safe enough with.

And suddenly I’m 30.

Apparently Everyone Has Questions

These are the most common questions I get: 

“Like…a VIRGIN virgin?”

“You’ve never done ANYTHING?”

“Are you waiting until marriage?”

“Don’t you want to know what you’re missing?”

“How have you made it this long?”

“What are you going to tell a guy?”

I have already addressed some of these questions, but I always laugh at the last question. Like is it really that hard for people to just tell the truth? Either that guy will like me or he will hit the road. Most guys have the same follow up questions that girls have. So of course I answer them honestly, openly and at times with humor. Also, I don’t care to find out what I am missing because I like how my life has turned out without sex. 

My other question that I love to answer is when a doctor asks me if I am pregnant. I always respond with “Only if it is baby Jesus.” For all of the doctors out there that means I am a VIRGIN virgin and not that I just haven’t had sex in some time. At one point I asked the doctor, “Do you ask me this because I look pregnant, because I promise you I AM NOT.” Once I ask them that, they tend to shut up for a while. 

No, I’m Not Afraid of Sex

For the love of Pete. I am not afraid of it. Yes I have seen a penis. Yes I have sat through details of my friends’ sex life, the good, the bad, and at times the extremely questionable things that happen. I just choose not to take that step with some random man. If/when I decide to have sex it will be with someone I feel safe and secure with. Someone who I have been with longer than just a couple of dates. Also, preferably someone who has a good track record. I know that the older I get the smaller the crowd of men becomes. Please let me know if I am going crazy, but I don’t think it’s that far-fetched that I choose NOT to have sex. 

Generally with a guy I prefer to get to know them through text/phone calls. Then move to going on dates, but the first one HAS TO BE a group date. I have watched entirely too many shows where a single person goes on a date and gets kidnapped. While I would love to believe I am not that gullible, I probably am. Once those few easy peasy steps have been taken I start trying to connect with a man on a deeper level. Also, while I do use the word man most of the time they are actually acting more like a dude or bro. 

And then there’s the question that always catches me off guard: “Are you just not attracted to men?”   Y’all. I promise you, I like men. Unfortunately. Sometimes I think liking them may actually be part of the problem. I’m attracted to men. I’m just not attracted to every man who calls me pretty.

I also acknowledge that sometimes the guys I’m attracted to seem to prefer women who are much more concerned with looking put together than I am. Newsflash, that is not me! I will occasionally dress up, but for the most part you will find me looking like Adam Sandler or a homeless person. 

Also, I don’t judge those who have sex or anything about our sex lives. You have a life and you can choose the path you want to take. I just haven’t chosen that path for my life. I am not waiting for wedding night for this magical fairytale thing to happen, unless it does happen like this then I won’t be mad either. I am just waiting until I feel comfortable with taking this step in my life with the right person. 

So who knows maybe at some point in the future that happens. I found my person. I feel safe and secure. Then I will feel comfortable taking that next step with someone. 

This is my choice and my story. Yours can look completely different.

Dating Gets Weird When You Have to Tell Someone 

I am very aware that this is a very uncomfortable conversation to have with someone when you just start dating, but I feel like it is a conversation that should be had. Most of the time this conversation can go one of two ways. They will either run for the hills OR they show compassion and support you in your decision not to rush things. As I start dating more, if there is something comical a guy says I will definitely be sure to tell y’all about it. 

I have a feeling dating while being a 30-year-old virgin is going to give this blog enough material to survive for years.

So we’ll save those stories for later.

The Part I Don’t Joke About

Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be intimate with someone but that doesn’t always mean having sex. For me intimacy is something much deeper and coveted. There are days when I get home from work and just want to crumble into the arms of someone who cares for me. Someone to lay on the couch with on a lazy day and snuggle with. Or someone that I can support through their life by being their person. 

A warm embrace, a hand to hold, or even just someone to share a kiss with are things that you don’t think a lot about until you have been single for what feels like forever. There are days when I physically struggle with being alone. In particular this is around the holidays when it seems like everyone is cozying up to their loved ones, getting engaged or announcing they are expecting. It is natural for people to be jealous of that, I mean after all I am a human. I want someone whom I can physically and emotionally trust. I want someone who knows me deeply. Who can read my body language and emotions without me having to tell them what I am feeling. I want to feel desired. 

I am a hopeless romantic, but I also want to experience that romantic intimacy with someone, someday. 

Am I actually bothered that I haven’t had sex—or am I bothered that I haven’t had the relationship in which I would have wanted to have it?  

To be honest, I feel like depending on the day I could answer yes to either of those questions. But those are topics that can be explored more at a later time. 

Do I Want to Lose It? 

Eventually, yes. With the right person. In the right time. But I am in absolutely no hurry to get to this point in my life. I also want a life to share with someone. Of course I am waiting for love, even if that means it takes forever to find.

I am willing to trust others. I am willing to go through the heartache, the breakups and at times the points in my life when I look back and think I could have done better for myself. Because that is what living life is like. 

Judge me if you want, but I don’t think I will ever be the person to just have casual sex. I would prefer to not hoe around and find out. Being a virgin hasn’t made this decision any harder because I feel secure in who I am and what I am wanting. Maybe this is a protective mechanism to make sure my heart doesn’t get shattered but I’m okay with that. Judge me if you want. People have been doing that for years and somehow I’ve survived. Feel how you want to feel about my life choices because I am happy with where I am at and don’t regret this. 

Virginity Isn’t My Personality

I’m a virgin.

But I am also ambitious, funny, independent, a daughter/sister/friend, career-driven, a dog mom, outdoorsy, Texan, and all those other lovely things. 

Virginity is one weirdly fascinating chapter of my story. It isn’t the whole damn book. 

I don’t want y’all to assume 

“Poor girl who can’t get laid” or “Pure 30-year-old unicorn who must be protected at all costs.”

Neither of those are me. I am who I am ambitiously alone. Living life, progressing in my career and working on figuring out this whole love life thing. 

So… What Happens Next? 

I genuinely don’t know how this story turns out. Maybe I’ll meet someone. Maybe dating will provide me with some belly laughing moments. Maybe my feelings about sex and virginity will change. Maybe one day I’ll have to write:

Well, Guys…We Need to Talk.

I’m 30. I’m a virgin. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not necessarily proud of it either. It’s simply part of my story right now.

So grab you a drinkie poo and a snack or maybe your favorite blanket. Because what is to come is the biggest and most interesting question I get to figure out with y’all. 

And since apparently everyone has questions, I’m opening the floor. If there’s something you’ve always wondered about being a virgin at 30, ask me. I can’t promise I’ll answer everything, but nothing is automatically off the table.

You can send your question through my Contact page. And yes, you can ask anonymously.

Welcome to Virgin Territory. Things could get weird. Cheers.